Summer of '93 I fell into a marketing campaign to draw college students to California to sell pest control. We were scammed into believing that we could make a bunch of money for college! Well the catch was you had to work, and you had to save the money you earned when you did work. What a load of crap! They never said anything about saving money! I mean I did make money. They say I made 10,000 dollars that summer! They, meaning the IRS! I don't know where that information comes from! I ended up back in Utah with nothing left. Still it was a summer I wouldn't trade for any other summer of my life! It was the summer my homosexual, best friend would introduce me to my future wife!
The job began with a couple introductory seminars, 24 hour crash course in pest control, and a 6 hour drive to LA, for a 700 question, state mandated test. I passed with the highest score of the group. You'd think I could pick anywhere I wanted to go after that, I would have chosen anywhere between LA and San Diego, but I didn't have a car. I had to be paired up with someone who owned a car. It turned out I would be teaming up with this guy I barely knew and we would be working out of San Ramon (45 min outside San Francisco). I drove out to CA in a van full of car-less students all of us being disbursed to locations throughout the state. We dropped off a few sales reps in LA, Orange County, Bakersfield, and finally San Francisco. I had never been to San Francisco before and after leaving Bakerfield I was beginning to wonder what the hell I had gotten myself into. After leaving LA, where the ocean literally lingers in the air, you should have seen the looks of desperate violated betrayal on the faces of the guys we left in the desert! I was seriously worried! Was San Francisco another treeless flat wasteland? I began to ask the driver 100 questions about what San Francisco was like. After telling me how great it was I began to seriously doubt he was telling the truth! Despite my worries the drive was unlike anything I'd seen in my life.
I had driven from NY to Utah, visited half the states in the U.S. I had never seen a landscape so beautiful! California's colors were so vibrant I felt as if I might have lived my entire past in black and white. When we finally arrived in San Ramon, relief flooded my brain. The poor saps we left in Bakersfield were like kittens bagged and drowned in the river and I just wanted to forget them. This place was beautiful!
Our apartment complex had a pool and hot tub. It was awesome! 5 apartments were dedicated to 20 new Terminex sales reps. Ehren was by far the friendliest, most outgoing, social aspect of our sales force. He was like a kid who had never experienced defeat. He had no sense of self consciousness, he had his hands in and on everything, he controlled all conversations, and like a child with A.D.D. couldn't sit still for two seconds. It was remarkable to me that as soon as we met he wanted to go explore a neighboring town because it was the home of super model, Christy Turlington. I had no problem with that! It was really nice, the trees and landscape of the town were fantastical, the roads were narrow, the canopy created glimmering lines of sun light. We were in Danville. We found an outdoor cafe and had lunch. It was great, our chemistry was electric, I was so glad my new roommate and friend was normal!
"I'm gay," he said.
"What!" I replied
I realized he had been trying to tell me this for a while but had taken forever to get to it! And there it was! We had been having lunch, the weather was perfect, the atmosphere was great, I wasn't going to let him ruin what to this point had been a great day!
"Since we're going to be sharing a room together I thought you should know that I'm gay."
He went on to try and assure me that he wasn't interested in me, blah, blah, blah!
I didn't give a shit if my new roommate was gay! I didn't even care that he shared a bedroom with me. All I cared about was that he didn't tell any one else! I wasn't homophobic, I was homophobaphobic. I was afraid of the guys who were going to freak when they found out! So we made a deal. If I was going to be his roommate he couldn't tell anyone that he was gay! Okay, Good!
"You are so freakin lucky, I'm your roommate!" I said after that. At the time we were working with 100% all return mormon missionaries. Ehren was the only non-mormon of the group, and I was probably the only one who wouldn't care. It was like a jew in Nazi-Germany asking a soldier for a good hiding spot.
Ehren wasn't gay with that lispy gay limp hand feminine crap, he was just eccentric with a lightning style compulsive personality, but you would never know he was gay, just from talking to him. So I actually enjoyed being his friend!
It wasn't long before Ehren and I were the top sales associates of our area. We began to really enjoy our position within the company. We became very close friends with several of the sales reps. This led to all kinds of great contacts! We had a friends with relatives in Santa Cruz. Well that wasn't so great. We went down late one night without telling them we were coming. They wern't home so a couple of us tried to sleep in the hot tub and a couple slept in the car and a few slept on the ground. It was raining! One guy's girlfriend had parents that owned a marina at Yuba lake. We took an inboard boat out, where we all took turns driving, skiing, wake-boarding. We discovered you could literally flip around 180 degrees on this boat going 50 miles an hour. We only did it once! It was painful! We ditched the boat on what i think was an island. The wide mouth to a creek with cliffs on either side, was perfect for rock climbing. The rocks were straight vertical and if you fell 20-30 feet you fell in the water. We eventually ditched the boat and followed the creek up a worn canyon 1/4 mile coming upon a 30 foot waterfall, which emptied into a beautiful deep pool. It's like a mystical place in my memory, diving off that waterfall, pulling 1 and 1/2 perfect dives from higher up than the tallest high dive at BYU. Ehren was with us on all our adventures, he was a joker, a stud, a player, he flirted effectively with all the girls, and everyone liked him, or envied him! No one had a clue!
There is a place in San Francisco called The Castro. If you've never heard of it then you are definitely not gay. One day Ehren dragged me down there, despite my complete and utter disinterest in the idea of hanging out in an all gay mecca. If we were going to go somewhere I wanted to go where there would be lots of beautiful, straight, topless women, who wanted me! Well that was unrealistic so we went to the gay mecca. Actually it wasn't so bad. Quite the contrary, The Castro was alive! It was buzzing and exotic! Almost like a freak show at the circus, I was wandering around mesmorized by the strange sights. Right there in public: lesbian couples, gay male couples, black and white lesbian couples, an asian and black male couple, lone single gay male walking down the street wearing only g-string and sneakers (No match for you buddy, even the gay people think you're a freak!) This place was fantastic. I had no idea what made a gay person gay nor did I care! To me it was like walking through a town full of midgets! I was at a carnival and it was fun! Ehren was having a blast too, but I doubt to him it was a town full of little people. To him this wasn't a carnival, either. To him this was potential! Pure exhilarating potential! This was a place he might find love. Turns out it was a place for finding love. Just not for him.
We entered Marcello's pizza (pic on the right). The pizza probably looked good. The pizza probably tasted fantastic, but It wasn't this time or the next or the next that I would make that connection. I wasn't actually interested in the pizza. All I cared about was the girl behind the counter. Was she gay? I didn't think she was. Lesbian girls typically look lesbian.
I watched her perform her job with purpose. She was in control of that counter, she had no interest in the clientelle, she had no interest in me, give me your money, here's your pizza, now fuck off, and I loved her! She was so young, right here in the heart of a gigantic city, independent, working, beautiful! I was so impressed! Despite all the experience my friends in Utah had given me, I failed, I couldn't talk to her! Not so intimidated I couldn't go on and on about her with Ehren! A week later Ehren wanted to go back to the Castro. "Umm, no, it's all you this time buddy! I'll just stay here!"
I mean I liked Ehren, hanging out with him, working with him, going out to eat, having an occasional margarita at the taco bell. (God damn!, the little taquerias in California were so good! I hated cilantro before this summer..), but I just wasn't interested in following him around while he looked for a potential boyfriend! Yes, I was selfish, but everyone else in the world hated his kind so I didn't feel too bad! Well he came back late that night really, really, excited! It was like someone telling you, they had just won a 10 thousand dollar lottery! "I got a date with the girl at the pizza place!" How had this happened? My gay friend was going on a date with the girl that I was fantasizing about! Okay, I see where he's going. He obviously was trying to help hook me up on a date with this girl, that's great, but she doesn't remember me! She's accepted to go out with Ehren, the pretty boy, conversational wonder, who can use his gay magic to sweep any pretty girl off of her feet. What if she thinks I'm ugly? Forget that! This is freakin awesome! It's a chance to go on a date with her, and that's always better than not a chance!
The very next night we were flying down highway 24 on a motorcyle.
I was driving, and Ehren, sitting behind me, delighted,(I imagine) had his hands around my waist. I didn't care, he was worth it!
The air was hot, the motorcyle was intoxicating, the tunnel was a hot intoxicating dream and we awoke on the other side the crisp cool air of San Francisco was a spectacular contrast to the hot dry heat over the mountain. We sailed passed Berkeley, in and over the bay bridge, Ehren singing Simon and Garfunkle at the top of his lungs, passed the heart of the city, down to the sodom and gomorah of our country, where my future bride await. It was late! Already 1 AM. She was still working! I walked in and introduced myself. I explained to her the situation, we had a motorcyle. She didn't have a car. She wanted to go out with us but we had to make a plan. Ehren wandered off hoping to meet someone while I waited for the girl to get off work. She seemed happy that I was waiting for her and I was really happy that she was. When she was all finished closing up the pizza place the plan was, I would take her back to her place so she could get changed/showered, then I would ride back, pick up Ehren and take him to her apartment. Then we would either walk somewhere, or do the ride drop one person off then get the other! It turned out taking the motorcycle, though fun, was not convenient. She got on the back of the motorcycle. It was exhilarating! My hand on the throttle told her how I was feeling! I pulled that baby back, jetting ferociously forward down the street. The gears switched rapidly I was 0 - 60 and back to 0 down one block. We turned right and then left and right again. There he was. We told him the plan. I turned around back to Castro street, at the bottom of the hill the street was empty. At the top of the hill the light was green. I gunned it! We took off shift shift shift, SHIT!, the car at the light was still sitting there. The light was green it had been green but the car at the light was not going to go. I slammed on the break, I had time to lean and go right around passed this car, but I didn't know how. Half of my experience learning to ride a motorcylce was learned on the ride down. I was speeding straight toward doom and the only thing I could do was pray it would stop in time. I held the break hard, I skidded straight the whole way! One second before impact I turned the handle bar 90 degrees for a spectacular near miss escape, however the bike ignored me and continued persistantly on its fateful path! Crash!!! The bike stopped abruptly. We were still seated on the back of the bike, alive! I couldn't hold the bike up, I was hurt! My groin had jammed staight into the perpendicular handlebar that I just previously turned into me. I had to lay the bike down and crawl away from it. Fortunately she wasn't hurt. This poor girl a victim of my carelessness, thank god was not hurt. It happened directly in front of the pizza shop as if telling her she should never have left. The police came.
"Have you been doing any drugs?"
"No officer."
"Has he been doing any drugs tonight?" The police officer turns to the girl.
"Umm? I don't know? I don't really know him?"
Oh that's great! She totally thinks I'm on drugs!
"No," I tell them, "No," I tell her.
The hospital is only a couple of blocks away. The ambulance takes me there alone! My chance with the girl is blown! All I can hope for now is that I don't lose my penis. In fact that whole area was in excrutiating pain. My pain exagerated by the loss of a potentially wonderful night. Not to be softened by the fact that my junk would be physically examined by an obviously gay doctor. After a couple of hours in the hospital, suddenly it didn't matter, nothing mattered! The girl and Ehren magically appeared in the hallway looking for me! I was alive! My penis was attached! (just slightly bruised) and she was back! Like an overdose of morphine the pain was gone! Soon, my injuries determined to be minor, I was released. We left the hospital and walked just a short couple blocks to her house. We talked. Her name was Heather. Her middle name was Sabrina. She told me she was very picky when it came to dating guys. I told her I was picky too. We argued over who was pickier! It was like a ridiculous attempt to rationalize something, but here we were knowing nothing of each other! I liked her a lot. I think she liked me too. While I lay deserted in a hospital bed, she had traipsed alone through the city streets in the middle of the night, searching for a guy she had met only once. Finally upturning Ehren, in some gay make out park, they turned to searching hospitals for me, finally hours later finding me in a hospital bed, the hallway of the gay village emergency room! What followed was a whirlwind romance that couldn't have had a better first date story ever to be told. A story-romance that all my friends are obviously, extremely, jealous of!
"mmm mmm mmmm"
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